How to Talk to Your Children About Hard Things- What I Have Learned..

The Aftermath, Joy amidst sorrow

 

After months of waiting, she is finally here. The beautiful little bundle of pink bliss I carried for 9 months is now in my arms and she is wonderful. Pregnancy has a way of seeming like one long drawn out party. Everyone is excited for you, admittedly you may get little spoiled and so many want to know about what is going on in that little party in your tummy. Sure there are times of discomfort, even sickness. Yet it passes and you do not care, because enduring this means a little life is coming.

Then birth happens, and the hectic blur of the aftermath; happy tears, family visits, introducing baby to her siblings, doctor and nurse check ins and monitoring, and then at night when the world is fast asleep, you finally have a moment alone with this little person you love so much and have dreamed of for the past year. She is here, she is beautiful. Life seems perfect.

Wait, what seems different about her? Why is her right eye not opening? Her left eye is, and no doctors it is not because she is tired or swollen from birth. I have had children, I know what newborns are like. And nursing is not catching on, she seems confused or distressed. The nurse and lactation consultant keep reassuring me that eventually my little baby will catch on but a premonition in my mother heart knows something is different about this child.

Well mother’s intuition is real, and a week later I find myself in a pediatric ophthalmologist’s hearing words like microthalmia, blindness, possible implant, neuro, loss of function. Not the joyful news we wanted to celebrate. Then six weeks later in the midst of the Christmas season, seizures begin, ER, children’s hospital, new dreaded diagnosis, lots of tears, and praying for acceptance. All of this seems like a bad dream, and somehow we try and look for the sunlight amidst weeks and weeks of rain.

A new life is here, not just a new baby girl, but a new life of doctor’s appointments, every specialist under the sun, medications, seizures, more seizures, missed milestones, not to mention taking care of my other children and trying to explain why our world has been turned upside down. Everything seems ruined but at the same time this little girl is so sweet and wonderful that everything seems more special. It is a hard, difficult time but among this stress there are also glimmers of hope. This special child had changed everything, and we all have to adapt.

As a mother, you feel like time is whisking by, you hardly have time to recover from pregnancy and delivery (a C section at that). And in all of this stress and focus on your youngest, you still have the bright eyed big sisters you have to explain this all. That I have to explain this all too. And it is hard.

How do you talk to your children, especially young children, when the trials of life come up? None of us go unchastised, we all have difficult tribulations that come in many forms, and we all have to find a way to deal with them without confusing our children or instilling fear. How do we talk to them, and still maintain their childhood innocence and sense of security? As a mother of three girls, and one a special needs child with life threatening diagnosis, this is what I have learned.

One, be honest. In a world where adults shoo real feelings and conversations under the table, keep it real. Your children trust you, look up to you, and times like these find it scary or uncertain. Of course you do not need to give them every grown up detail, but it is ok to let them know that things are not perfect right now, and that it may be hard but we are hopeful. I have always shared with my girls the truth, in an age appropriate way. They need to know that our family can withstand some trials, and that we are all in this together, happy or sad.

Two, show them love and security. When life’s trials hit us all and they will, we need to make sure the little ones in our charge know that they are still loved, even when the hardships are not about them. It is so easy for us to have tunnel vision and focus on the loved one needing the support right now, that we may unknowingly neglect the siblings on the sidelines. No matter how exhausting those early days of epilepsy and exhaustion were, I made myself take time to spend a few “unmedical” moments throughout my day with my older two. They needed that mommy time and our children all need a sense of normalcy when family life just isn’t.

Three, don’t be afraid to let them see you cry. Mommy is a person, with feelings, with limits, and a maturity is born when we let our children inside our shell, into our hearts. Obviously I am not suggesting we traumatize or kids, but it is ok to let them see that we are grieving, we are sad. We are human, have emotions, and need to release them. Make sure your kids see happy and sad tears. I know they are in there.

And four, maintain joy. We all will have times where our limits our maxed out, where it seems like the sun will never shine again, and our hearts just cannot take any more beating. But life has a way of working out, even when sad times happen. We can look back and know that we are greater, better for what we have gone through. We mothers have pretty good track records for getting through bad days. It is vital that we make sure to still celebrate life, have fun, and do normal things with our children. It would be unfair to them otherwise and going through the motions of typical family life has a way of healing, helping us deal with hard things. In the five years as my little Brooke’s mom, we have had so many fun happy family memories. We sneak them in during doctor’s appointments and hospital stays, but more importantly WE DO IT. And you know what, my broken heart from those early newborn days is healed. Together, along with my children and husband, we have overcome the aftermath and now we are stronger together.

 

 

Friends, fellow moms, we can talk to our children about life’s sorrows. We can find a way to relate to them, show them we are human, and teach them how to deal with sadness. Thankfully, the storms do pass, or we adapt to the turbulent times, and we can still have a happy life and childhood for all of our children. It is possible, I know it and I am thankful my girls are learning a little maturity along the way.

 -          Brit

 

 

  

Published! It feels so good

Friends, I feel a sense of accomplishment that my new blogging venture is catching some attention in the social media world. I have been published on Lifeblooming.com, Differentdream.com, as well as Joyful Family Life. It is a wonderful feeling to know my writing means something to someone out there. Here are my blog posts, tell me what you think!

taken from http://lifeblooming.com/self-esteem-greatest-mothering-fear/

Self Esteem, my greatest mothering fear

Want to know one of my greatest fears? Hidden amongst my deep seeded worries that actually keep me up in the night, it is there… waiting for me to worry about. Surely I may surprise you. The reality is, I did not know about this fear until the ultrasound tech over nine years ago happily proclaimed, “it’s a girl!”
Then came the blissful blur of pregnancy, birth, baby goodness, toddler to preschool and now school age, TIMES THREE children. Phew! We have been busy…and just so happy. Yet, now I am responsible for three little daughters. The reality of this great gift, often wonderful and difficult, is ever present.
Who am I helping to create? Will they know how precious and loved they are? Will they let “ the world ” determine what is worthwhile and beautiful or will they remember that inner beauty matters more? Will they feel the excitement of life and all it has to offer, or will they doubt themselves? When they look in the mirror will my girls see who I see?
My husband thinks I am jumping the gun a little, worrying about their little self esteems like a mother hen that has to protect her little eggs from cracking but, I do worry. Life can be so amazing yet sometimes it can be so hard. As mothers, we help develop that inner voice in our children so that when they aren’t with us they will remember their worth.
It’s certainly part of our job description!
My nine year old came home from school last year in tears. She was having some typical girl drama with some of her little girlfriends (I seriously thought I would be spared this until at least age thirteen). Unsure of how to stand up for herself while at the same time remaining kind, she truly wanted my help.
My mommy inspiration kicked into to full gear. I gathered my girls together and we created a “Quality Quiz.” We decided on six qualities that we all wanted to develop (myself included), and came up with ways to attain them.

Loyalty

A good friend always stands up for her friends without comprising her own standards. No gossiping and not being afraid to speak up when things are being said about someone else. This value instantly boosts your child’s self worth because she feels the reciprocation through lasting friendships.

Positivity

People want to be near happy people! It is common sense really. I have told my girls on many occasions that if they learn to look on the bright side and share their enthusiasm for life with others, they will attract the kind if friends they want to keep.

Honesty

Simple enough yet oh so true. Being honest with yourself and with others not only makes you a trustworthy person and ideal friend, it helps you look at life with a real outlook, make good decisions and gain trust from those who deserve yours. A healthy self image can bloom when honesty is part of her inner beauty.

Confidence

Believe in yourself! We all have been blessed with talents and gifts and it is ok to recognize the things you are good at. I tell my daughters to be happily humble. Being good at something just feels good, and it is ok to be happy about that. Also, being happy for others and their achievements in turn will make us feel joy too.

Charity

This is a BIG one for me. I sincerely believe that most of life’s greatest trials and heartbreaks can be soothed by giving of yourself to others. Service is a big deal in our family and it creates an innate sense of self worth. Tell me your heart doesn’t feel full and wonderful after you do a little good in the world?

Spirituality

Now this concept means different things for many different people and that is perfectly ok. Why I think it is a quality girls (and women) need, is that it gives us hope. We need something bigger than us to guide us, help us feel loved, soothe during tough times, boost our spirits in times of doubt, even love us when we feel unlovable.
Believing there is something bigger than YOU helps you remember you are never alone. My daughters know that God thinks they are beautiful no matter what. It is just part of our life. And knowing you are something made from divinity makes the youngest and oldest of girls feel their inner worth.
This “quiz” has been a golden tool for reminding my daughters of who they are trying to become. It actually has made me ponder on my own self image reminding me that these qualities can enrich my life. Even help my self esteem and relationships with others.
Isn’t it amazing the lessons we learn on the job as mothers? It is vital that we instill positive self images in the children we are raising. The world can be oh so wonderful and beautiful, and oh very competitive and discouraging. Ladies little and grown, need a healthy self esteem to be happy and successful in it.
While my girls are young I feel like Mother Hen, I can hold them under my wing and shield them from life’s disappointments. Yet who am I kidding? All of a sudden they grow up and begin to face the world on their own terms. And we as mothers have to let them (often sad… but true and exciting).
If the children we are molding into functional, happy people can attain loyalty, positivity, honesty, confidence, charity and spirituality, their lives will ultimately be richer and happier. Is that not our goal?
Take the time today to talk to your children about the type of people they want to become. It is simply worth it. Maybe I can let my greatest mothering fear become more of a pressing worry? A little less dramatic right? Now if only life would pass by a little slower, but that is not on the quiz (wishful thinking).
– Brit
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Talk about being honored! Lisa at Lifeblooming was so sweet to feature me. Blessed!





taken from http://www.differentdream.com/2014/10/special-needs-sacrifice-not-so-much/#comment-47235

The Life you Gain, Not the Special Needs Sacrifices

 

 

Sacrifice.
You have all heard the word. In other words,
giving up,
giving in,
sacrificing,
and devotion;
all such serious proclamations of who we are as special needs parents. Everyone I meet comments about how wonderful I am because I sacrifice SO much of myself to raise my special needs daughter. It is like instantly they feel obligated to glorify my job as the Mother. You all know what I mean.
Insert chuckle here.
Meanwhile, today is any normal day in the life of a special needs mom for me, not anything unique or special about it. While the comment is well intended and I am touched by their praise, the word sacrifice or giving up so much has always bothered me. Giving up just doesn’t do justice to the world of wonder I have gained as a special needs mother, and a typical mother. Because of these miracle children bestowed to me, I get to see life with a clearer, more purposeful view, I get to cherish the little moments and glory in the milestones. No matter how small! While life is about giving of yourself to your children, I want to focus now on what I have gained.

• Everything is so exciting! Even the smallest little milestone is cause for a party, and our whole family gathers round to relish in the news. When my special needs daughter first learned to laugh it was the talk of the neighborhood for several weeks after.
• Family time is meaningful. When you recognize your time may be limited, spending time together really does matter.
• You become the most knowledgeable you ever have been. Since becoming Brooke’s mom I have learned a wealth of knowledge about how the brain works, sensory issues, medical terms, medications, therapies, doctor specialties, medical equipment, state programs, nursing, caregiving…the list goes on. I feel like a nurse, doctor, mother, teacher, caregiver, advocate rolled into one complex woman. It is overwhelming but also empowering.
• You gain a family. This one is dear to me, since being initiated into this special world, we have met and connected with incredible people. Parents who are examples to me daily. Who fight for their children, love them deeply, and show us that happiness is possible when raising a special needs child. Therapists and teachers who have a special love and devotion to our amazing children, we could not raise our kids without them!
• You can help others. I love being on the other end now, the mother who can give advice to the newly diagnosed family. I am so happy to be able to give back, give comfort, and advice on what to do when this new life is confronting them. We have all been that shocked mother. As time goes on we can find joy in this calling and help others do the same. This is a priceless gift.
• We get a little piece of heaven in our home every day. Not many families can truly say that. The sweet innocence of special needs children is that they are perfect. The spirit of love is ever present and it has changed our family for the better.
• Children with special needs create compassion in parents. Suddenly the fears you once had about others who are different, you get to see in a new light. Having a child with special needs helps me see the world in a more beautiful view, to celebrate and not fear others with disabilities.
• Having a child with special needs molds typical siblings into amazing, compassionate people. Seeing the maturity and selflessness that comes when your other children serve their special needs sibling is like no other miracle in the world… enough said here.
• You truly find out what you are made of. Being a parent of a child with disabilities is no easy task. It pushes us to our limits, takes us places we never wanted to be in. We learn, adapt and grow in this experience in ways we could not do otherwise. I have always said being a special needs parent is the most amazing club I never wanted to be a part of but am in for the lifetime membership.

Truly, I could go on for days about the benefits I have gained being Brooke’s mother. It is about sacrifice but more about blessings.
Sacrifice,
giving up,
giving in,
devotion…
yes.
The reality is, that is part of the deal. More importantly, let us all focus more intently on the life we have gained, not given up. Sometimes, if you let it, you can feel like you have hit the heavenly jackpot–even when it is hard.

Children remind us to treasure the smallest of gifts, even in the most difficult times.
~ Allen Klein

So grateful to Jolene for liking my style! I am now a Different Dream guest poster, woot woot!
http://www.differentdream.com/meet-the-guest-bloggers/




taken from http://joyfulfamilylife.blogspot.com/2014/08/guest-post-from-brookie-brave.html


Don't Worry Be Happy (oh really...)

Life as a mother is often hectic. We worry. I think as we enter into motherhood, literally the second we hold our pink faced bundle of newborn joy we develop this extra  "sense." I like to call it my Mom radar. Somehow at any given time we know our child is near. It is kind of a miracle actually. 

We can be in a huge auditorium and hear our child let out a cry, we stand up, rush out and find said child. 

A miracle? Maybe. Apparently, God decided Mom radar was something to be built into our anatomy that activates during child birth. I am half serious here friends. 

Obviously this declaration is in fun but you mothers out there know exactly what I mean. 

What would we do without our Mom radar?

 We need it to function, to be able to survive on three hours of sleep, to keep on top of activities, 

homework, running the home, planning play dates; more importantly helping our kids feel loved 

and nurturing their self esteem... and the list goes on.

Something I have had to learn being a special needs mom AND a typical mom is to not let the stress and worry that comes with this Mom radar overwhelms me. Because it can. Being a mother is the hardest job we wanted the most. Truly. Sometimes we can get so caught up in making sure everyone is happy, and everything is running perfectly that our own sense of well being starts to wilt. 

 

Raising children is fulfilling, fun, and amazing but it is also stressful, nerve racking and hard. We worry so much about the little people we are molding into functioning, well adjusted adults. Our Mom radars are on overdrive at times because we sincerely want our children to be happy.

 

And you know what, we are doing all right. Yes, children have minds of their own, they really do! They actually are going to make good decisions often and they are going to make mistakes too. We have to let them learn, without letting the worry of making their lives run so perfectly consume our own. 

You know deep down if you are a good mom. 

You try and teach your children good values and morals. You tell them daily you love them, show affection, even spoil (oh just a little) and your kids feel that love. Mothers across America are probably going to bed tonight worrying if they were good enough today, if their kids felt loved and valued, did they listen to them enough, was dinner ok, 

how would they accomplish their to do list tomorrow; so many sheep being counted as 

mothers everywhere lose sleep over their children's well being.

I am talking about myself too you know. We all do it. It is encoded in our DNA. We worry. We love. It is in our nature. But does this anxiety affect our happiness? Is there a point where we just have to trust that our parenting is paying off, that our kids are going to turn out how they are going to turn out despite how much we stress? I think at some point we have to do our best, and then just breathe. 

 

As I was pondering on this post the old mantra 

 

popped into my mind. Telling a mother, even me the biggest worrier of all, to not worry and be happy is almost laughable. How can I not worry about my kids? That is against my nature, against the laws of Mommyhood and I could "go to jail" if the other mothers knew I was adopting this policy. 

 

Am I telling you all to never worry about your children? No. Absolutely Not. Am I saying after we have done our jobs above and beyond that we do need to relish in the moment of watching our kids live their lives happily then, Yes.

 

In this case we deserve it. We work hard as moms. And we love our kids. All we want is their happiness and their success as good people, and it is ok to want that for ourselves too. 

 

So mothers out there, even special needs mothers like me who are pushed beyond our limits, give yourselves some credit, let your Mom radars relax a bit and be happy that we are doing all right. Ask your kids, I am sure if they knew how much you fretted over their well being they too would say "Hey Mommy..."

 

"Don't worry, be happy, cause we sure are."

 

Thanks Nicci for featuring me!

 

 

Blogging is a way to share my story, learn and grow and enjoy writing. Being published is not only a boost of self confidence, it is a way for me to deal with the trials of being a special needs mom. I love my life and my unique role I was handed when my youngest was born. I am thankful to those out there who want to share this journey with me. You all know how to make this girl feel good! xoxo

 

 

-- Brit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bliss

Something about being in the mountains makes me reflect on life and my blessings. Good weather, happy kids, great friends, making memories, paradise. No to do lists, no chores, no extra curricular activities to run them to, no homework, just family and friends time. Bliss. With our crazy life, significant stresses and hectic schedules, a trip up north is just what we needed. Keeping this post short and sweet as I have kids waiting to play Uno with me. What is your happy place, your bliss? And how do you make sure to make time to get "there"?

--Brit